I did it!

Surgery was Thursday and it went very well!.  They treated me great, took super care of me and gave me the good drugs  :o)  My biggest complaint so far.  Im hungry! Today is the first day that my stomach has been growling.  Im going to try some potato soup....very thin potato soup.  So far it has been broth, a few bites of jello, more broth and a yogurt last night.  Oh and of course my protein drinks.  I was amazed that I couldnt even finish my yogurt last night because I felt full!!! 

Today is the first day I feel like myself again.  Could be because I stopped taking the narcotics they gave me for pain.  They took the pain away all right, but also made me so sleepy and groggy.  Now that Ive switched over to ibuprofen,  Im up and moving more and feeling much better. 

So liquids this week.  Next week...scrambled eggs and applesauce!  Ive never looked forward to eggs so much in my life!!!  I think Im going to head outside today with my book and enjoy the beautiful weather.

I did it!  I did it!  The big scary part is over.   Now its the lifestyle changes.  Im up for the challenge and excited and ready.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day!  Ive been super nervous all day.  My tummy has been doing little flips and flops.  Im thinking too much about it.  I think the thing that gets me the most is that this is an optional surgery.  Ive had surgery in the past, but they have all been necessary and this is elective.  I am choosing to put myself on that OR table tomorrow.  In my brain I know everything will be just fine.   When I think logically I know everything will be just fine.  Im hugging my kids a whole extra lot today, though.  


Im the first case of the day..yippee...no tired surgeons for me!  That means I need to be there at 0600.  It also means I should be home by 1300.  My sister is coming with me in the morning and my Mom will swap with her a little later.  Then home to my husband while my Mom takes the kids for the night.( I have the best Mom and sister in the entire world!! )  Ive chosen to leave my husband at home tomorrow  :o)  He gets nervous about such things, but his way of dealing with his nervousness is to nit pick everything.  "This is taking to long, don't they know what they are doing, why did they have to poke you 3 times"....and on and on and on.  And that just puts me more on edge....so Im leaving him home!!  And I feel better knowing he is with the kiddos anyway. 


I picked up lots of protein drinks today.  Its a liquid diet for the first week, while my stomach is healing.     I had mac and cheese for dinner and Im shortly going to have a piece of cheesecake.  Giotta go out with a bang right!!  Next week while Im at my wits end with liquid, liquid, liquid, Ill be able to think back to the cheesecake and longingly remember our amazing, but brief relationship.


So Im going to log off here,  get my cheesecake, savor every last bite of it, lay in bed with my husband and watch a little TV, read to the kiddos and go to sleep.  I see a little Benedryl in my future tonight.  I may not be able to sleep without it.  Dang, nerves!   Then up at 430am, my sister  will pick me up while I shoot daggers at her with my eyes as she savors her Starbucks on the ride to the hospital and I will be drooling in the seat next to her.  

It is all worth it.  This is my big step to being the healthiest me I can be.  For myself and for my children.  They deserve the healthiest me and I deserve the healthiest me.  I need a little help.  I have asked for it.  I have taken the steps and I am ready for tomorrow!

The time has come

The time has come!  Im nervous and super excited and nervous some more.  I got my surgery date.  Apr. 22nd.  10 days.  Im not sure Im ready.  Well in my brain I know I am, but having it so close.....my main thought is "YIKES!" 

Its not the actual surgery that Im worried about.  Unfortunately Im a pro at that.  This will be #11 for me.  It is the major lifestyle change.  Ive been slowly making my way toward it, and doing quite well at that.  But if I "oops have a soda, or oops eat too much cake", its not that big of a deal.  But after surgery the oopses will be a big deal.

So my brain knows Im ready.  My brain knows it is the right and healthy thing for me to do.  It doesn't stop me from being scared.

Ive gone through all the steps.  Went to the informational meeting.  Met with the surgeon initially.  Met with the nutritionist several times and changed a lot of my bad eating habits.  Gone to the support group meetings.  Had a psychological evaluation ( No I will not be going off the deep end, rolling my self in play doh and singing "God Bless America" on the streets of Waterville, Maine anytime soon)  Found myself a tolerable protein drink....for those of you who have not tried protein drinks....I envy you.  Met with the trainer.  (More on him in a bit) Met with the surgeon again and had my pre op assessment and bloodwork/EKG done.  And now IM READY!  Or so I keep telling myself.....  Ive done everything Im supposed to do.  Ive passed all their tests.  They believe Im a good candidate.  In my brain I believe I am too. It doesnt stop me from being scared. 

A lot more people are aware of my upcoming surgery now.  (Ever notice how much surgery and sugary look and sound alike  :o)  )  It is out there.  People have read this blog (I find that amazing), Ive told some people.  Word had gotten out.  Im not a flashy person in the least.  Im not one to yell from the rooftops much about myself.  But Im not trying to hide it either.  It still embarrasses me.  A lot.  The fact that Ive let my health get so bad it has come to this.  That I have to have a surgical intervention for all this extra weight.   So I am still embarrassed and don't offer the info to many people.  However, I have had people come to me and ask questions and I am more than happy to discuss any part of it with them.  I can talk until Im blue in the face about it.  I know all the facts, I know what will be done and what is expected of me.  It doesnt stop me from being scared.

I was mortified when I saw my diagnoses for my pre op testing the other day.  MORBIDLY OBESE
I don't think of myself as morbidly obese.  But into that category I fit.  I have had many people say to me....you don't look like you would qualify for the surgery.  Or you cant weigh that much.  I think of morbidly obese as those people who don't do anything for themselves.  Those people you see on TV  850lb man and such.  The people who can't walk or function because they are so heavy.  The people who use those motorized carts in the grocery store because they cant walk because of their weight.   Well I am none of that.  I am certainly a functioning part of society.  However, I am unhealthy.  I am morbidly obese. BUT...... I am strong and I am changing my life.  I will be healthy for myself and my children.  I have chosen to be healthy.  I have chosen to do something about it.  It doesnt stop me from being scared.

It's been a long time

Ive been away from this blog for awhile.  I got wrapped up in the holidays, 2 crazy kids...3 if you count my husband and my computer broke!

However, today I got "the letter".  "The letter" is from my health insurance company saying they have approved my surgery and it will be covered!!!  I don't think I realized until I read it how very much I want this.  I cried like a baby in my kitchen while reading it.  I had been having some 2nd thoughts, cold feet, wondering if this is really what I need/want. 

That question was answered as I cried in my kitchen and realized how very important this is to me.  As I initially read "the letter" I thought they were declining to cover.  And I was mad!...then as I finished it and realized they would cover it and all of this would go through and now quite quickly...that's when the tears came.

So next step...meet with Nate the trainer, who will set me up with a gym program and show me what I need to do for that aspect. 

This Friday will be my first support group meeting. These are mandatory before the surgery.  I should hear when I will meet with Nate shortly.  Then its going to happen fairly quickly.  Im thinking by the end of March.

Frustrated

 I've been having a lot of trouble getting myself ready to start.  I've been eating horribly :o(  Then of course I wonder if I am ready to do this.  If I can't get my butt in gear and take care of myself now, what makes me think I will do it when the time for surgery comes?

I know that I didnt get where I am by succeeding at doing this in the past.  I failed many many times dieting.  So what makes this time different?  This time I'm signing on for a major life change.   So  I need to get going and start taking myself more seriously.  

I have done one thing that I feel is great progress.   No soda in about a week now!!!  That was big for me.  I really didn't realize how much of the stuff I was drinking.  I've found a great sugar free drink that I actually like :o)  Yeah for me on that!! 

I made my appointment for my psych evaluation as well.  That comes up next Thursday!  It is required before surgery.  They really want to make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons and that you are ready for this huge change.  So of course I can and will bring up all my frustrations and questions of whether I will succeed or not with her.  The one thing that I'm doing different this time around is I am being completely open and honest with everyone.  No more pussy footing around.  No saying "yeah no problem, I am ready"  or "of course I know I will do well" 

I question myself every day.  I keep thinking what will make me succeed this time?  What will be different?  Do I have it in me to do this and do it right? 

I think the answer is yes!  Or I wouldnt be here.  I think that I have a lot of support, from family and friends and the entire team at the Bariatric Clinic.  I think that I will be open and honest and make people aware of my frustrations and nervousness.  In that way I can let them help me to succeed. 

So my next steps coming up are
         Go to support groups- I need to go to 3 of these as part of the pre surgery program.  This will also be a great place to bring up my concerns.  There will be people who have had the surgery and people who are gettting ready for it as well.  I think it will be very beneficial.
         Sign up for my meeting with the excercise guy-  He will meet with me and get me on a program that works for me!  He works with all of the bariatric patients who go through this clinic.  I know I will feel more comfortable with him than I would with anyone else.  I have always felt so intimidated at gyms in the past.  It's hard to put myself out there in all my glory, sweating and panting and looking like a drowned rat that just tried to swim across the Mississippi.  Knowing that many have gone before me with him, and many are doing it now will help.
         Meet with Megan the nutritionist again-  I havent done everything she told me to do yet.  Im working on getting myself together.  It's been very frustrating.  But I will be open and honest and let her know where Im having trouble and what I need help with instead of just trying to get through it by myself.

So its been a rough couple of weeks.  I knew it wouldnt be easy.  I knew I would hit these bumps in the road.  I just need to keep pushing forward.  Which I will do!

Pictures

The dreaded picture!  Looking at my blog account today I noticed there is just a shadow person where my picture should be.   I really should, and I will....sometime, hopefully soon, put a picture in there.  It will be a great way to plot my progress.   At the beginning of this journey,  right now, pictures are a painful thing for me.  I really do NOT like to look at myself in a picture.  

I have this image of myself.  It's not a terrible image, actually.  Then I see a picture, and I can't believe how off my image is.  I am usually appalled.  For example, my brother's wedding a little over a year ago.  I bought a dress, thought it looked good.  I had a great time at the wedding.  I was a part of many pictures.  It was a super weekend!  Then the pictures came back.  Oh my goodness!!!  Was that really me?  What was I thinking wearing that dress that looks horrid and accentuates every part of me that I didn't want seen.   It was that point that I realized that my body had changed drastically.  Even though I had seen the scale numbers go up, up, up and up some more,  my image of myself hadn't changed.  What everyone else was seeing, I wasn't.

A copy of one of those wedding pictures sits in my sister's living room.  Every time I see it, I want to hide it.  I don't like it out for everyone to see.  How freaking selfish is that of me?   It is a great picture!  My brother and sister in law look so very happy.   It is a wonderful picture of my brother and his wife and his 3 sisters.  Instead of looking at it and remembering what a perfect weekend that was, I think how absolutely terrible I look. 

That was a little over a year ago.   It was when I saw that picture that I really began to realize that I am not who I thought I was.  I do not look like I thought I did.  I was in Weight Watchers at the time.  This was my 2nd or 3rd time with the program.  I remember mentioning at a meeting how that picture made me feel.  I also remember getting on a treadmill.  I went to a local gym.  I signed up.  I carted my big ol butt over there and I got on a treadmill and I walked...and walked...and walked.  For about 3 weeks.  Then I ran out of time.  I never found enough time to get to the gym.  I also did not sign up again at Weight Watchers.  I gained all of the weight back that I lost and a little bit more.

So all of this brings me to next weekend.  Next weekend we are going apple picking....yummmmmy!!  It's a fun time that my family does every year.  There is this wonderful orchard that hayrides you up to the trees while overlooking an absolutely gorgeous view of the fall foliage here in Maine.  The trees have a lot of fruit close to the ground so all of the kids can reach and pick their own apples.  It is a great time!  I look forward to it every year.  Apples, choosing our pumpkins, a beautiful day outside, warm apple cider and spending time with my family!

Unfortunately, I am anxious about it this year.  We are going to have pictures taken at the orchard.   Not just candid pictures, but professional pics that we are going to have printed for Christmas.  Just what I need....more proof!!! 

I am going to really try to not let that ruin my day.  I don't think it will.  There are too many other fun things to think about.  However, I hate that I have even a little bit of anxiety over it.  I will tell myself.....next year you will be able to see a real difference.  I will insist on pictures at the orchard next year too!   I want to be able to enjoy having pictures taken.  I want to look at a picture and remember the wonderful time in which it was taken.  That is what pictures are for. 

I will repeat this..........Apples, choosing our pumpkins, a beautiful day outside, warm apple cider and spending time with my family!

That is what next weekend will be about. 

Lack of organization

I am, simply put, a slob!  I have no organizational skills.  Well somewhere there must be a little bit, but really I am a mess.  My car is a wreck!  My bedroom looks like a  Category 5 Hurricane blew through.  When my husband and I lived in Pennsylvania, I had a big ol' pile of clothes in the corner of our bedroom.  He nicknamed it Mount Dani.  Mount Dani has now moved with us.  It is in one of the extra rooms in the basement, right across the hall from the laundry room.   When I actually get around to doing laundry, I grab a few of those and throw them in with the rest.  It is very very very slowly shrinking. 

My problem is, I dont want to get rid of them.  I have so very many clothes that do NOT fit me.   I have trouble getting rid of them, though.  Maybe, someday, they will fit again!  So they hang around, until that day, when the very best thing for me to do would be to get rid of them.  Send them to Goodwill.   Some of these clothes are years and years old.  I wouldn't doubt it if I found some leg warmers in there, with sparkles!!!!
I have tried to get rid of them.  They go into the laundry, they come out nice and clean.  I put them in a box.  The box ends up in the basement because I keep forgetting to bring it to Goodwill.  They get that basement smell.  I put them in the laundry....you get the picture.

Pretty much, my whole life goes like this.  No organization leads to much more work than necessary, which leads to frustration, which just makes me want to give up.

Dont get me wrong, I like organization.  I actually thrive in an organized environment.  I think how lovely it is not to trip over my dirty clothes on my way to the bathroom in the dark at night.   Not to stub my toe on the kids toys which are everywhere. (Lots of those need to go to Goodwill too!)  Not to lose so much mail, because I just don't have a place that I put it every time. 

Car keys....oh how my husband hates it when I can't find them.   Everytime he says to me, "Why don't you just put them in the same place every time.  Then you would know where they are."  Well 95%...maybe 85% of the time I put them on the hook just inside the front door.  It is there just for the purpose of holding and keeping track of my keys.  Those suckers just jump right off of there and hide themselves.  I know they do!!  Then I trip over toys, get tangled up in rogue clothes strewn about, shout a few expletives in the process and finally find my keys.  I know it doesn't need to be this hard.

So you get the point.....I'm a mess and it makes my life harder than it needs to be.

I am a disorganized eater as well.  Often I don't have healthy food in the house.  I never seem to have time to go grocery shopping after hunting down the keys, kicking toys out of the way and disentagling myself from the laundry.  So I eat on the run.  I eat fast food.  I order out.  I know these are not healthy choices.  I do them anyway.  It is what I have time for.   I don't pay attention to what I am eating.  I wake up in the morning and eat last night's leftovers.  I skip lunch.  Then I am famished by dinner and while I am out running errands I pick up something.  Anything.  As long as its quick. 

Remember the soda?  It's harder than I thought!  In fact Ive had 2 today.  I don't think I realized just how much of it I was drinking before.  Again, it's when Im on the run.  I went shopping with my sister today.  I skipped breakfast.  We didnt finish shopping until afternoon.    So what did I do?  I stopped and picked something up on my way home because that was what I had time for.  It included a soda. That is in addition to the one I had while I was shopping.  I am frustrated with myself!  I realize I do it without even thinking about it.  So while I am frustrated with myself, I  am happy that I am starting to see how much I eat and drink without even thinking about it.  I am happy that I have realized that my disorganized lifestyle is hindering my goal to a healthy lifestyle.  Where does it stop?  I can lie and say now.  I have said that so many times in the past.  I mean it every time I say it.  I really, truly do mean it.  I want to do it.  I need to do it.  

So one of my goals with this journey that is not a specific part of my Lap Band, is to become more organized.  I think in order to be successful I will have to do that.

I actually made a teeny tiny step in the right direction today.  I bought a basket.  A basket?  Yep a basket.  It is the perfect size for my mail.  When I come in the house I can now put the mail in my perfect little orange basket.  Not on the counter, or in the bedroom or where ever I happen to lay it down.  Although, I know those sneaky envelopes are in cahoots with my keys!  They skitter away together somewhere I'm sure of it.

I'm about to take one more teeny tiny step.  I'm thinking ahead.  That in itself is quite a rare occasion.  I am going to stop typing and go directly to the kitchen.  I am going to take some chicken out of the freezer.  I will not be able to use the excuse, " there is nothing to make for dinner" tomorrow night.  I will have wonderfully, thought ahead of, thawed chicken.  I will not allow the clothes, the toys, the keys, the envelopes, the children, the cat, the dog, my husband or the teeny tiny elves that also make my life interesting get in my way.   I will do this one thing to increase the organization in my life. 

I have to start somewhere, right?