a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wBJz8JK/">

Wednesday, September 30, 2009


What did I do?  That was the first question I asked myself this morning when I realized people actually read this.  Do I want to throw myself out there for everyone to see?  The answer is yes!  I do.  It's a odd feeling to have.  Having people reading my thoughts I'm putting down.  It's like having a diary open for all to see.  This is what I want, though.  This is part of my journey.  Of accepting where I am and where I want to go.  Not hiding from my choices.  Not hiding under baggy clothes, cuz we all know those darn baggy clothes don't hide a thing!  But we can make ourselves believe a heck of a lot if we try.  So I want you all to read!!!!  I want a lot of people to read!  I've been hiding under baggy clothes way too long.

So I have completed 2 of the pre surgery steps.

#1  I met with my surgeon.  He is the chief of surgery at our hospital (so hey he knows what he's doing  :o).  He went over the technical stuff with me.  He puts a band over the top portion of my stomach.  This makes a small pouch.  So when I eat, the food goes there and sloooooowly goes through to the rest of my stomach.  So I feel full!  (This is not like the gastric bypass where they actually bypass some of the stomach and digestive tract.)  The band is filled with saline and a port will be placed just under my skin.  Depending on how quickly or slowly I am losing weight the band can be adjusted by adding or taking out saline, to tighten or loosen the band.  Badda boom badda bing! 

So there I am in his office.  Everything is big there.  The chairs are big, the exam table is big.  I actually feel slimmer just walking into the office  :o)  I jump...okay probably not jump....I get up on the exam table and he wants to look at my stomach.  WHAT!?  You want to look at that thing that I've been hiding from everyone so very (okay not so very) well!  Did I clean my belly button this morning? 

It actually wasn't emabarrassing at all.  They look at big ol flabby tummies every day.  Heck Im one of the smaller people they see.  That makes me laugh a bit.  It's a very technical exam.  Feel here, prod here.  "What is this scar from?"  " Where does your shunt go?"  (Oh yea,  I havent mentioned the fact that I have a VP shunt yet....that will be another day)  Okay hop down.  Really....he tells his patients to hop?  Don't all docs tell us to hop down?  I always found that funny.  Like I am a kangaroo or a bunny.  Ohhhhhh....maybe he wants me to eat carrots?  I guess if I'd been eating carrots all along I wouldnt be in his office!

Step one done!

Step #2  Meet with the nutritionist

Ive met with nutritionists before.  I've told little white lies to them before.  "Of course I eat a full fiber cereal in the morning with skim milk and fruit!"  Okay more like Lucky Charms on the run, and I try to get extra marshmellows in my bowl. 

This time I laid it all out.  I eat Lucky Charms.  I drink soda.  Oh the horror!  I eat breakfast at lunch and lunch at breakfast.  Yes I had mashed potatoes for breakfast this morning.  I eat on the run.  I don't think about what I'm eating.  I don't eat enough veggies.  I LOVE carbs. 

Geez you say, if she stopped doing all that ridiculous stuff, she'd be a lot better off!  Don't I know it!!!!!!  I have done that and it's worked great.  I have eaten the high fiber breakfast.  I have had sit down pay attention to what you are eating meals.  I have written down every morsal of food down that dared cross my palate.  I have drank(drunk?)  water until I felt I would float away.  I've done it all.  And it worked!!!  And then...the pizza calls my name.  Or I just NEED Chinese food.  Or I lick the brownie bowl.  And then I feel terrible and then I eat.  And then I feel terrible more, then I eat more.  Yes, I am an emotional eater!

Megan, my nutrition guru is great!  She gets it.  She is meeting with ME, not with everyone else trying to lose weight.  She is listening to ME, not everyone else.  I tell her I like Lucky Charms.  I know they aren't good for me.  I tell her I like soda.  She tells me NO MORE SODA! 

Goal #1 Stop drinking soda!  Even diet soda.  None, no more, nada, zip.  STOP!  Not even mentioning how absolutely terrible this is for me( Oh but the bubbles feel so darn good hehe) I won't be able to drink it after the surgery.  Nothing carbonated.  The bubbles with fill my pouch with air.  Bad news.  So goal #1 start cutting out the soda now.  Pause......

Okay, so I'm writing about this and all I can think of is that there is cold Pepsi in the refridgerator right now!  And I want it!

So this will be a tough goal.  I don't drink soda all the time.  I don't drink it every day.  But I really like it!  So no more soda in the house.  That's a start.  Im thinking wouldn't it be great if I went out to the kitchen and poured it all down the sink! That would be great!  I'm not going to do it.  Well maybe I'll get the courage to do that today.  Most likely I'll want to savor every last drop, since I won't have it in the house anymore.

Goal #2 Write everything down on a log and bring it back to Megan in 6 weeks.

Everything!!!!  Don't cheat.  If she doesnt see what Im eating she can't help me.  Write down the contraband soda.  Write down the mashed potatoes with cheese and bacon and sour cream.  Start being accountable for what I put in my mouth. 

No more hiding under baggy clothes!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

My new journey

Yep a bit tacky as a title.  I know.  However, that is exactly what this is going to be for me.  A true journey.  One that will take me from one place to another.  It will be difficult Im sure.  There will be lots of tears.  I will want to quit.  I won't want to continue at times.  I will question myself.  I'll get angry.  I won't follow the rules.

That all being said,  I AM COMMITTED TO THIS!  All of the above will happen.  I expect that.  I also expect all the great changes!   I will be healthier!  I will be able to be more active!  I will feel less tired!  I will be happier!  I will have more confidence!

What the hell is this crazy woman talking about?  I have chosen to have a Lap Band procedure done.  You may or may not have heard of this.   It is a surgical procedure to divide my stomach into a small pouch at the top, and the larger pouch at the bottom.  Forming that small pouch at the top is a band that surrounds the stomach.  This band can be made tighter or looser depending on the need.  Having a small pouch will make me feel full!  I will eat much much less, and I can successfully lose weight! 

Whoa!!!! SURGERY!!??  Come on now.  Just stop eating so much and get on a darn treadmill!  Those were exactly my thoughts several years ago when I heard about these kinds of surgeries.  Well I did that.  I stopped eating.  I did get on a treadmill and got active outside.  I ate healthy.  Very healthy.  I was successful.  Very successful..............for a short period of time.  Then I gained it all back and more.  I played this game several times.  I lost weight.  I felt great.  I said I would never go back to where I was again.  Then I started gaining it all back and back and back.

So here I am.  Just about 100 pounds more than I was in high school. 

I weigh 253 pounds.  That sentence was just very difficult for me to write.  I am embarrassed.  I am ashamed.  I can't believe I allowed myself to get here. Pause here........this is a big step for me.  I have not admitted my weight to anyone but my doctor and my husband.  Ill say it again.  I am embarrassed and ashamed.  It is a terrible way to feel every day. 

 So, I made a difficult choice.  I chose to stop this.  I could have kept pretending it didn't bother me.  I could have continued to try to lose the weight by myself.   But, Im tired!  I'm tired physically and emotionally.  I want/NEED to be healthy.

 This is a serious surgery.  It is very safe and quite simple according to my surgeon.  However, anytime surgery is performed there is a risk.  The biggest risk being death.  I have had surgeries in the past.  Many, actually.  But they were all necessary.  I really didn't have much of an option not to have them.  This time it is completely by choice.  So that choice was a very difficult one to make.  Do I risk death( teeny tiny infintismal chance) for health?  You say...geez this crazy woman is melodramatic too...its just surgery.  And I agree with you.  But as all you parents know, it's always about your kids.  Is this a chance Im willing to take for my kids?  Can I knowingly put myself in a potentially dangerous situation for a purely optional choice.

I choose yes.  I have to.  Not doing it puts me at more risk for health problems.

I have just started this process.  I had my initial visit with my surgeon and my initial nutritional consult as well.  I have a lot of steps to go before the surgery.  The pre surgery process takes 4-6 months.

So here I am.  34 years old.  253 pounds.  High blood pressure.  Sore joints.  A bit depressed.

Not where I want to be.  I have my children to think of.  I have myself to think of.  I want to be healthy and this is the road/journey I have chosen.  Ill be blogging this each step of the way.  So come along and cry with me, laugh with me, yell and stomp your feet, throw a few dishes across the room!  Mostly, celebrate with me, because through it all I will be travelling toward a healthier me.  It will be interesting, I'm sure of that.  I will need a lot of support.  I expect it to be hard.  I'm willing to put in the work.

Please feel free to ask me lots of questions.