Pictures

The dreaded picture!  Looking at my blog account today I noticed there is just a shadow person where my picture should be.   I really should, and I will....sometime, hopefully soon, put a picture in there.  It will be a great way to plot my progress.   At the beginning of this journey,  right now, pictures are a painful thing for me.  I really do NOT like to look at myself in a picture.  

I have this image of myself.  It's not a terrible image, actually.  Then I see a picture, and I can't believe how off my image is.  I am usually appalled.  For example, my brother's wedding a little over a year ago.  I bought a dress, thought it looked good.  I had a great time at the wedding.  I was a part of many pictures.  It was a super weekend!  Then the pictures came back.  Oh my goodness!!!  Was that really me?  What was I thinking wearing that dress that looks horrid and accentuates every part of me that I didn't want seen.   It was that point that I realized that my body had changed drastically.  Even though I had seen the scale numbers go up, up, up and up some more,  my image of myself hadn't changed.  What everyone else was seeing, I wasn't.

A copy of one of those wedding pictures sits in my sister's living room.  Every time I see it, I want to hide it.  I don't like it out for everyone to see.  How freaking selfish is that of me?   It is a great picture!  My brother and sister in law look so very happy.   It is a wonderful picture of my brother and his wife and his 3 sisters.  Instead of looking at it and remembering what a perfect weekend that was, I think how absolutely terrible I look. 

That was a little over a year ago.   It was when I saw that picture that I really began to realize that I am not who I thought I was.  I do not look like I thought I did.  I was in Weight Watchers at the time.  This was my 2nd or 3rd time with the program.  I remember mentioning at a meeting how that picture made me feel.  I also remember getting on a treadmill.  I went to a local gym.  I signed up.  I carted my big ol butt over there and I got on a treadmill and I walked...and walked...and walked.  For about 3 weeks.  Then I ran out of time.  I never found enough time to get to the gym.  I also did not sign up again at Weight Watchers.  I gained all of the weight back that I lost and a little bit more.

So all of this brings me to next weekend.  Next weekend we are going apple picking....yummmmmy!!  It's a fun time that my family does every year.  There is this wonderful orchard that hayrides you up to the trees while overlooking an absolutely gorgeous view of the fall foliage here in Maine.  The trees have a lot of fruit close to the ground so all of the kids can reach and pick their own apples.  It is a great time!  I look forward to it every year.  Apples, choosing our pumpkins, a beautiful day outside, warm apple cider and spending time with my family!

Unfortunately, I am anxious about it this year.  We are going to have pictures taken at the orchard.   Not just candid pictures, but professional pics that we are going to have printed for Christmas.  Just what I need....more proof!!! 

I am going to really try to not let that ruin my day.  I don't think it will.  There are too many other fun things to think about.  However, I hate that I have even a little bit of anxiety over it.  I will tell myself.....next year you will be able to see a real difference.  I will insist on pictures at the orchard next year too!   I want to be able to enjoy having pictures taken.  I want to look at a picture and remember the wonderful time in which it was taken.  That is what pictures are for. 

I will repeat this..........Apples, choosing our pumpkins, a beautiful day outside, warm apple cider and spending time with my family!

That is what next weekend will be about.