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Monday, April 12, 2010

The time has come

The time has come!  Im nervous and super excited and nervous some more.  I got my surgery date.  Apr. 22nd.  10 days.  Im not sure Im ready.  Well in my brain I know I am, but having it so close.....my main thought is "YIKES!" 

Its not the actual surgery that Im worried about.  Unfortunately Im a pro at that.  This will be #11 for me.  It is the major lifestyle change.  Ive been slowly making my way toward it, and doing quite well at that.  But if I "oops have a soda, or oops eat too much cake", its not that big of a deal.  But after surgery the oopses will be a big deal.

So my brain knows Im ready.  My brain knows it is the right and healthy thing for me to do.  It doesn't stop me from being scared.

Ive gone through all the steps.  Went to the informational meeting.  Met with the surgeon initially.  Met with the nutritionist several times and changed a lot of my bad eating habits.  Gone to the support group meetings.  Had a psychological evaluation ( No I will not be going off the deep end, rolling my self in play doh and singing "God Bless America" on the streets of Waterville, Maine anytime soon)  Found myself a tolerable protein drink....for those of you who have not tried protein drinks....I envy you.  Met with the trainer.  (More on him in a bit) Met with the surgeon again and had my pre op assessment and bloodwork/EKG done.  And now IM READY!  Or so I keep telling myself.....  Ive done everything Im supposed to do.  Ive passed all their tests.  They believe Im a good candidate.  In my brain I believe I am too. It doesnt stop me from being scared. 

A lot more people are aware of my upcoming surgery now.  (Ever notice how much surgery and sugary look and sound alike  :o)  )  It is out there.  People have read this blog (I find that amazing), Ive told some people.  Word had gotten out.  Im not a flashy person in the least.  Im not one to yell from the rooftops much about myself.  But Im not trying to hide it either.  It still embarrasses me.  A lot.  The fact that Ive let my health get so bad it has come to this.  That I have to have a surgical intervention for all this extra weight.   So I am still embarrassed and don't offer the info to many people.  However, I have had people come to me and ask questions and I am more than happy to discuss any part of it with them.  I can talk until Im blue in the face about it.  I know all the facts, I know what will be done and what is expected of me.  It doesnt stop me from being scared.

I was mortified when I saw my diagnoses for my pre op testing the other day.  MORBIDLY OBESE
I don't think of myself as morbidly obese.  But into that category I fit.  I have had many people say to me....you don't look like you would qualify for the surgery.  Or you cant weigh that much.  I think of morbidly obese as those people who don't do anything for themselves.  Those people you see on TV  850lb man and such.  The people who can't walk or function because they are so heavy.  The people who use those motorized carts in the grocery store because they cant walk because of their weight.   Well I am none of that.  I am certainly a functioning part of society.  However, I am unhealthy.  I am morbidly obese. BUT...... I am strong and I am changing my life.  I will be healthy for myself and my children.  I have chosen to be healthy.  I have chosen to do something about it.  It doesnt stop me from being scared.

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