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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

My new journey

Yep a bit tacky as a title.  I know.  However, that is exactly what this is going to be for me.  A true journey.  One that will take me from one place to another.  It will be difficult Im sure.  There will be lots of tears.  I will want to quit.  I won't want to continue at times.  I will question myself.  I'll get angry.  I won't follow the rules.

That all being said,  I AM COMMITTED TO THIS!  All of the above will happen.  I expect that.  I also expect all the great changes!   I will be healthier!  I will be able to be more active!  I will feel less tired!  I will be happier!  I will have more confidence!

What the hell is this crazy woman talking about?  I have chosen to have a Lap Band procedure done.  You may or may not have heard of this.   It is a surgical procedure to divide my stomach into a small pouch at the top, and the larger pouch at the bottom.  Forming that small pouch at the top is a band that surrounds the stomach.  This band can be made tighter or looser depending on the need.  Having a small pouch will make me feel full!  I will eat much much less, and I can successfully lose weight! 

Whoa!!!! SURGERY!!??  Come on now.  Just stop eating so much and get on a darn treadmill!  Those were exactly my thoughts several years ago when I heard about these kinds of surgeries.  Well I did that.  I stopped eating.  I did get on a treadmill and got active outside.  I ate healthy.  Very healthy.  I was successful.  Very successful..............for a short period of time.  Then I gained it all back and more.  I played this game several times.  I lost weight.  I felt great.  I said I would never go back to where I was again.  Then I started gaining it all back and back and back.

So here I am.  Just about 100 pounds more than I was in high school. 

I weigh 253 pounds.  That sentence was just very difficult for me to write.  I am embarrassed.  I am ashamed.  I can't believe I allowed myself to get here. Pause here........this is a big step for me.  I have not admitted my weight to anyone but my doctor and my husband.  Ill say it again.  I am embarrassed and ashamed.  It is a terrible way to feel every day. 

 So, I made a difficult choice.  I chose to stop this.  I could have kept pretending it didn't bother me.  I could have continued to try to lose the weight by myself.   But, Im tired!  I'm tired physically and emotionally.  I want/NEED to be healthy.

 This is a serious surgery.  It is very safe and quite simple according to my surgeon.  However, anytime surgery is performed there is a risk.  The biggest risk being death.  I have had surgeries in the past.  Many, actually.  But they were all necessary.  I really didn't have much of an option not to have them.  This time it is completely by choice.  So that choice was a very difficult one to make.  Do I risk death( teeny tiny infintismal chance) for health?  You say...geez this crazy woman is melodramatic too...its just surgery.  And I agree with you.  But as all you parents know, it's always about your kids.  Is this a chance Im willing to take for my kids?  Can I knowingly put myself in a potentially dangerous situation for a purely optional choice.

I choose yes.  I have to.  Not doing it puts me at more risk for health problems.

I have just started this process.  I had my initial visit with my surgeon and my initial nutritional consult as well.  I have a lot of steps to go before the surgery.  The pre surgery process takes 4-6 months.

So here I am.  34 years old.  253 pounds.  High blood pressure.  Sore joints.  A bit depressed.

Not where I want to be.  I have my children to think of.  I have myself to think of.  I want to be healthy and this is the road/journey I have chosen.  Ill be blogging this each step of the way.  So come along and cry with me, laugh with me, yell and stomp your feet, throw a few dishes across the room!  Mostly, celebrate with me, because through it all I will be travelling toward a healthier me.  It will be interesting, I'm sure of that.  I will need a lot of support.  I expect it to be hard.  I'm willing to put in the work.

Please feel free to ask me lots of questions.

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